The Device Teaser

So a couple of months ago I wrote and directed a sci-fy (sci-fi?) thriller called The Device.  I originally was going to act in it as well but ultimately decided that that may be a bit too much to do with such small a crew.  I submitted it to a number of film festivals and I'm starting to back from them.  It's getting kind of exciting!  I'll keep you posted as I receive more info!  In the meantime, click HERE for the teaser!!

Scott Caan on Hawai'i: A Hawai'ian's Reaction

So I'm pretty sure by now most of you have already seen this video of Hawai'i 5-0 actor, Scott Caan talking about Hawai'i on the Chelsea Lately show.  If you're from Hawai'i, I'm about 99.9% sure you already watched it and probably had some sort of rage moment while watching it.  If you haven't, here's the summary of what Scott talks about (the video is at the bottom of this post if you want to see it):

• the pace of life in Hawai'i is too slow and Hawai'i has no "hustle"
• surfing in Hawai'i is difficult in comparison to Malibu and he likens it to trying to survive rather than being actual fun
• the crystal meth problem is bad
• the food "sucks"

I honestly don't see what the fuss is about.  To me, he's stating 3 facts and an opinion.  Even the opinion is kinda suspect since he said it sarcastically in response to something Chelsea said and the video cuts quickly as they laugh leaving out what appears to be an obviously facetious joke.

As far as the other things he said, I see absolutely nothing wrong.

I'm from west side O'ahu (for those not familiar with O'ahu, it's the part of Hawai'i where Dog the Bounty Hunter catches 85% of his meth criminals) and yes, the meth problem is bad in Hawai'i.

The surfing in Hawai'i is obviously some of the best in the WORLD, and on top of that, Hawai'i measure's waves in a way that makes waves smaller than they actually are (Hawai'i measures the back of the wave instead of the front, so what we measure as 3ft waves, in the rest of the world, it would be measured as 5-6ft).  So of course he "no-Caan" handle.  See what I did there?

Then there's the issue of his comment of Hawai'i having no hustle.  I see what my Hawai'i people are tryine to argue but come on.  But let's be real my Hawai'i people, NO ONE'S moving to/staying in Hawai'i for the hustle and bustle of amazing career opportunities.

"But my aunty works 2-3 jobs just to make ends meat."

Yes, she's "hustling" but that's not the "hustle" Scott Caan is referring to.  There's a lot of people working 2-3 jobs and no one's knocking THAT hustle.The HUSTLE he's referring to is the hustle you got going AFTER you get off your day job(s) so you can quit and be financially free. It's the multiple things at once type of "hustle".  It's that LA/NY hustle he's used to and Hawai'i lacks it.

"But we're not LA/NY, we're Hawai'i."

EXACTLY!  The pace in Hawai'i is drastically slower than anyone at home realizes and you don't notice how incredibly slow it is until you move away for a couple years then come back like, "Damn this place is slow!" And it's nothing negative at all, it's just something to get used to.  Even I get incredibly restless whenever I go back home to Hawai'i because as much as I love eating and going to the beach everyday, I need to make moves.   So imagine someone like Scott Caan, who was BORN into the hustle of the cut-throat entertainment industry.  An industry where if you don't make moves NOW, you could lose a potential job/gig to someone else within the hour.  An industry where a "normal" day for him since he was a fetus is a mixture of waking up early, workout, take meetings, shoot tv show, photoshoot, promos, travel for more meetings, etc.   Compare that to what we call a "productive day" in Hawai'i, which is stopping by the post office before the grocery store in between jobs or on the way to the beach.  

That 2-3 job "hustle" is NOT just a Hawai'i thing so I'm negating refererence to that as THE hustle.  That's A hustle, but not THE hustle.  It's what you do IN ADDITION TO that 2-3 jobs. It's that Type A, go-go-go personality kind of hustle that dominates LA/NY that Scott and Chelsea are referring to.  LA/NY is just on a different level and as crazy of a lifestyle it is, you get used to it and sometimes need it.  Hustling is a habit not just a rap lyric.  Imagine living in a CITY of people with this habit and then you could imagine the culture shock of slow-paced Hawai'i.  And to be clear, NOTHING'S WRONG WITH HAWAI'I BEING SLOW.  


 I don't see him as knocking on Hawai'i's laziness by saying that it's slow but morso commenting how easy it is to be content in Hawai'i.  Everyone's happily content in Hawai'i and it's easy to settle for the status quo because the status quo in Hawai'i is pretty sweet.  Hawai'i is one of those places where you have what you have and family is all you need and nothing's wrong with that.  

Let me put it this way: Personally, I honestly wish I didn't have to go to sleep because I feel that sleeping wastes valuable time.  When I go back home to Hawai'i, even if I'm out with friends until 5am, I wake up before 8am and have the intense feeling that I have to so something productive relating to my career (ie set up meetings, edit, write, location scout, make calls, etc.).  I feel like there's always something that needs to get done and I get antsy.  I have to actively calm myself down and tell myself repeatedly "I'm back home.  Just cruise.  You don't have to do anything."  It's a crazy lifestyle, but it's one that I enjoy.  Would I rather sleep til noon only to wake up, cruise and go to the beach and drink beer.  Of course!  But until I accomplish the incredibly high goals I have set for myself in life, I'm constantly hustling.  If my life's goal was just to settle down and have a big family (which nothing is wrong with that), then of course, the pace of Hawai'i is perfection.   It's still doesn't change the fact that it's slow, but it's perfectly slow.

It's the reason why people come to Hawai'i to RETIRE and the same reason why people from Hawai'i (and I know you know many out there) who move away from Hawai'i for better opportunities. 

I spent an extra amount of time on the "hustle" part of the interview because I was just surprised at some of the reactions I've seen by my Hawai'i people as if they are surprised at the change of pace lifestyle as if it's new information.   

Hawai'i, like anyplace else, has it's positives and negatives.  How are we gonna complain that "people don't know what it's really like and Hawai'i is tougher than people realize.  It's not all hula skirts, surfing, and coconuts" then turn around and act surprised/offended when someone says that Hawai'i is less than paradise?  Come on, son!!

How To Shoot Music Videos

Last month I directed this music video for up and coming Hip Hop artist NautilusMC.  I showed you a promo video for it in a post not too long ago.  So far we've been getting some good feedback and we've gotten over 50,000 views!

I've had many people ask me about my process in shooting this video.  While everyone has their own creative process, I'll share with you how I went about making this video and you could maybe take some tips that make sense to you and build on them.

This was a relatively simple video given that it wasn't too much of a narrative but moreso one of those candid "good vibes" sort of videos.  In any case,  the first thing I do when I get the song is listen to it over and over and over again.  I throw it on repeat, turn off the lights, close my eyes and just feel the music and envision the story that it's telling.  I know it seems pretty common sense to do so, but for the first couple of days, everywhere I go, I do this and when I have an idea on specific visuals based on the music or lyrics, I'll write it down.

Then I bring the song into my editing software, (I like to use the CS6 suite), and create a timeline with the song so I know how long each segment is.  I'll create titles as placeholders for every part of the video and maybe add some notes if I have specific ideas.  This helps me know exactly how long the intro, 1st verse, chorus, bridge, build up, etc. is so that I can plan the flow of the video and thus my shots accordingly.  It'll give you a better sense of what you need during each part of the song.

Once I have an idea of the feeling of the song, I meet with the artist to compare my vision of the video and their vision to come up with a concept that we both could jump on board with.  Ideally, the style I try to shoot for is one that's very narrative.  I want the musician to know that if they get me to do their music video, they'll get a mini movie and that the story of their song will come to life. In fact, if we could shoot the whole video without any singing/rapping-to-the-camera shots, I'd prefer to do that.  In this case, however, the song really didn't lend itself to that heavy of a narrative style and NautilusMC was very specific in that he wanted a laid back, BBQ at the beach video that showed him enjoying life.

Once we came to agreement with our ideas, it was time to location scout.  NautilusMC had already done a lot of research online and had Manhattan Beach Pier high on his list of locations.  All it took was one visit for us to realize that it was the place to shoot.  You could see in the video how beautiful the location is. So with that, we decided on a two-day shoot and locked down a weekend, one day just for Nautilus and the other day with everyone else.

This is where shooting in LA is a lot different from shooting in Hawai'i.  It is a lot more difficult to shoot in public in LA relative to Hawai'i.  Film is king in LA and everyone is so aware of the process and legalities that comes with filmmaking. So majority of the time, if you look like you're shooting something remotely "professional", you're bound to get stopped.  There's no real "rule of thumb" per-se -- like, it's not set in stone that the second you put down a professional grade tripod or whip out a boom (mic) or have some sort of camera rig you'll get stopped -- but the risk definitely is higher in LA since everyone knows what's up.  I DPed a short film in LA last year about a woman who just found out she has breast cancer and we needed a wig shop to shoot a really short scene in -- no longer than a couple hours.  We had no budget and thought that we'd be able to score a freebee because of the content and the fact that the short was based on the true story of the actress (who was playing herself).  The cheapest quote we got from a small mom and pop wig shop was $750 for the two hours.  People know how things work here and so, unlike Hawai'i, you have less of a chance of people letting you shoot at a location because "This is so cool and exciting", and a higher chance of a cop coming up to you and asking for your permit.

So with that, the shoot was intended to be extremely guerilla.   There was absolutely no budget, which is fine since I have all the equipment we'd need anyway.  So I grabbed my gear and on the first day, Nautilus and I went to the beach and I shot all of his scenes myself.  On the second day, we just got everyone together and had fun.  I shot with my Canon T3i and I brought my tripod, SteaDSLR, and primes lenses: 20mm 1.8, 30mm 1.4, 50mm 1.4, 85mm 1.4.  Even if you're going guerilla, I recommend having at least a couple people helping you with the equipment.  I wish I had at least one more person to help me change out lenses, especially with all the sand potentially getting into all my equipment, but other than the time it took to change things it, it was fine.  To minimize the amount of attention that we attracted, we opted not to bring a boombox and Nautilus played the track from his phone which he kept in his pocket.

Traditionally, when you have a video where the artist is rapping/singing towards the camera you'd shoot in 3-4 locations, they'd perform the whole song in each location and cut between your best footage and some broll/narrative.  Since I went into this project with a very narrative approach with little to no performance scenes intended and Nautilus had more of a casual, traditional video in mind we compromised by having him still rap "toward" and around the camera but indirectly in more of a contemplative attitude as if testifying his struggle to "Get By".  This actually worked well and allowed him to move between each location and change scenes more organically as if he's walking around this serene beach, using it as therapy instead of us just abruptly cutting between him rapping in different locations for purely aesthetic reasons.  With that, we decided to start him off on the pier, work his way underneath it, and by the third verse, he's walking away from it to where the video ends with him sitting on the sand watching the sunset.

I always try to shoot more footage than what I need, especially on a project where there's no budget because it's a bit harder having to go back and reshoot things when there's less money/resources.  We had more than enough footage to work with and Nautilus and I had two huge editing sessions; one that went for about 13hrs and the other went to about 16hrs.  Editing as a whole is always an extremely tedious process.  One that, oddly enough, I really enjoy.  But I'd say the part that took us the longest was creating the titles.

We wanted our titles to be more dynamic than your typical overlay or lower-third.  So I had the idea of making the titles look as if they were a part of environment.  Problem was, I've never done that before.  It seemed easy enough at first: motion track the scene, create 3D text, and then map them to the tracking points.  The opening credit, "NautilusMC" was easy. It was just a matter of getting the 3D light to match the light in the scene.  The "Get By" was crazy difficult because I was trying to make it look like the text was sculpted out of the sand.  We got it too look decent but I just had a hard time texturizing it to make it look believable and so we ended up just going for a regular overlay.  The "Directed by" title, to be honest, was created that way because I was too tired to make it a 3D test by that time.  Although, I did want to at least have one more cool little effect in the titles so I just tracked Nautilus' social media information to the trees in the closing clip.

The color correction was pretty easy and straight forward.  I tried to really bring out the colors of the environment (the sun in particular) during all the performance scenes and the BBQ stuff was pretty basic correction.  Whether it's a promo, music video, etc., I ALWAYS color correct everything no matter how small the project seems.  It makes that a huge difference in distinguishing a nice, polished finished product versus a video in which someone just used a good camera but had no idea what they were doing.  This seems to be the a consistent detail overlooked on many of the videos I see coming out of Hawai'i these days.

All in all, I'm pretty satisfied at how the video came out and even more satisfied at the amount of views it has gained in such a short amount of time.  It's a video that's not as narrative as I'd hoped but in this case, it didn't need to be and I'm sure that there will be many more opportunities to go that route with Nautilus in the future.

But until then, I hope you found some helpful tips and if you have any questions about any part of the process, feel free to hit me up!  ALOHA!

How to Succeed In Hollywood

I once heard a quote, "You are what you practice most."  I forgot who and where I heard it but it stays with me constantly.

When I first moved to LA in 2008, my first job was on NBC's The Office.  I was friends with the Assistant Director and she brought me on as a Production Assistant.  Since then I've worked on many different shows, scripted and reality, and the main thing that seems to stay consistent for the scripted gigs (TV and film) is that the lower you are on the totem pole, the further away you are from the camera.  If you've ever been onset for something scripted you've probably seen PA's either wrangling extras, cleaning up, dealing with food/catering, or locking up the set.  It's very rare that one would be hovering around the director and/or cameras.

So being friends with the AD worked wonders when I worked on The Office.  She'd pull me from regular PA duties to introduce me to all the cast and crew, and leave me to shadow the director.  It was one of the best learning opportunities I've ever had and I asked as much questions that I could.  By the end of the season, I was on a first name basis with the directors, writers, and one of the producers.

One of the first questions that I had for them, of course, was the question that many of us have wondered as a newbie: "How do I make it?  How do I become an actor/writer/director/etc?"

My career is still very young and still have a lot to learn and accomplish, however, after being here for only four years, I've come to see how weird and somewhat oblivious that question is.  First of all, "making it" is completely different to everyone.  Some people do it for pure love and find satisfaction just being onset and in the environment, some just want to be able to work full time,  and some just want to be rich and famous, which I think is the worst reason given that you're not gonna be rich or famous for a long time, if at all.  Second of all, it's a question that's assuming that this industry is like most industries and that there's a set path to achieve the success you're looking for, which is the farthest thing from reality.

The entertainment industry is very unique.  When you graduate med school, you're a doctor; graduate law school, you're a lawyer, graduate engineering school, you're an engineer; but when you graduate from film/drama school(or mostly anything in the arts), you have no title and in most cases you're a waiter.  Asking that question just showed how little I knew about how the business worked in thinking it was remotely similar to the others.  It's nothing like "How do I become a doctor/lawyer/etc."  In this industry, one single person can't tell another person, "This is the right way to succeed".  Everyone succeeds in different ways and there is no set path in this industry which renders that question practically obsolete.

I offer an analogy:
Imagine an overgrown jungle standing in between you and your goals.  You standing at one side and "success" is on the other.  If you want to be a doctor, lawyer, engineer, etc, then your path is clear.  Go to college, study this, study that, do this, do that and BAM, you graduate and you're out the other side of the jungle.  You know exactly what you have to do and how long your journey will be and the path is practically paved.

But in the entertainment industry, there is no path.  There is no one single way to get through.  There are things that you could do to increase your chances and put you in a position for success and I'll cover those things in another post, but for the most part, all you can do is be persistent on your journey and keep chopping at those vines, making your own path until that glorious day you bust through.  There's no way to know how thick the jungle is or how long you'll have to travel and that could be very intimidating.  Many people, most of them close to you, will discourage you and tell you to take the paved path and pursue something more "realistic".  Which makes no sense to me because WHATEVER career path you choose, you'll have to put in hard work and dedication so why waste all that energy on something you don't really want to do.  What's the difference on whether or not you can see the path or not?  The end of the jungle IS there, so call me crazy if I truly believe that as long as you keep going, YOU WILL EMERGE.  This is NOT a lottery, it's a BUSINESS and if you pursue it from that perspective, work on your craft, be consistent, build a body of work, build your brand and market it intelligently, then there is no "if" you succeed, only a "when".  Only you yourself will prevent success before this town does.

So when people ask me that question, I tend to tell them the same thing that those writers, directors, and actors all told me when I asked them: "Just do it."  If you want to act, then act.  If you want to direct, direct.  If you want to write, write.  If you want to dance, dance.  The only thing that any two careers ever had in common is persistence.  That and make sure you know your shit.  Opportunity meets readiness and someone who's not in your industry shouldn't know more about your industry than you do.  Yes, a lot of it is who you know but think of it this way: Who you know will get you on, but WHAT you know will determine how long you stay once you're there. 

Learning to Swim

So my good friend from college Maynard, aka NautilusMC, finally made the big move down to Los Angeles a couple of months ago.  He had been pursuing music and acting up in Seattle ever since we graduated from University of Washington back in 2006 (ooh, I kind of dated myself didn't I...haha) and, in my opinion, had goals that were much bigger than what Seattle could satisfy and stayed a lot longer than he should have.  He had become a big fish in a little pond.

After a while of putting the move off, I honestly was starting to think that he wasn't going to come down. He would always say how he had to make sure that he was ready and that he always had to save more money.  Which makes complete sense and a part of me wishes I did that.  But all I kept thinking was, "I came to LA with a one-way ticket, no car, and less than $100 to my name and I turned out more than OK.  You're banking a civil engineer's salary and will have ongoing income when you rent out your condo.  No excuses.  You're more than ready to come down." (go back and read my Hollywood Confessions series..I lived in 7 different places in a year and a half including a halfway house and living out of my car..shit got crazy).  

While, of course, you should be prepared before you come to LA, there are SO MANY PEOPLE who use "I want to be more ready" as an excuse not to come to LA.  One year becomes five, five becomes ten, ten becomes 20, and the next thing you know, you're at an age where you've completely talked yourself out of your dreams.  Even more people use "I wish I was more ready" as an excuse to give up and leave LA.  Our group of friends from college are very unique in that I've never seen a group of friends that push each other so hard (I'll tell you about all the crazy accomplishments later) and the last thing I wanted was for him to become one of those could've, should've, would've "actors"who never got out the starting gate because they needed more time to "prepare".

Pursuing a career in this industry is like swimming, you could prepare all you want, buy this, buy that, read this, read that; you can save all this  money, but at the end of the day you just have to JUMP IN.  NOTHING prepares you more than actually being in the water.

So alas, after 6 long years of saying "I need to get down to LA," I'm proud to say that he's finally here. He's been out here grinding for about two months and he hit me up to direct his first LA music video.  First project of many!!  Here's some behind the scenes footage.  Check out more of his music at www.nautilusmc.com

CAZT - An Actor's Friend

If you've pursued acting in LA for any amount of time, I'm sure you've come across CAZT Casting. Hell, I'm sure you've auditioned there a number of times. It's a cozy little building hidden away off of La Brea with nice couches, offering the same mind f*ck that every other casting agency offers. That's pretty much what auditions are right? Mind f*cks?

As an actor with any type of normal psyche, how are you expected to prepare these pieces on such short notice, pump yourself up, deal with the rejection, and then completely forget about it minutes later? Not only does auditioning take its toll emotionally, but the process itself is practically the antithesis of everything actors consider acting! "What do you mean, Conrad", you may be asking yourself. You ask great questions! Allow me to elaborate.

In ACTING, an actor usually does extensive research to understand the character's psyche, emotions, and the motivation of what's driving him/her to their ultimate goal. One of the most basic ways of doing this (and usually the FIRST thing) is by reading the WHOLE script to get a sense of perspective. In AUDITIONING, you're given ONE scene, if that, and less than 24 hours, if that, to become a character whom you have no knowledge about.

In ACTING, it's ALL about listening, responding, and going off of what the other person in the scene is giving you. In AUDITIONING, you're acting across a monotone script reader who could care less to even give you any inflection, let alone an emotion, yet you're expected to ignore that lack of energy and "act".

I do understand that this is all due to time constraints and the number of people they're seeing but from the actor's point of view, everything about this process is nerve racking and awkward and it's so refreshing that an agency like CAZT Casting has a little feature that actually HELPS an actor grow.

I'm sure many of the actors reading this have heard of the feature CAZT has on their website that allows you to view back your audition tapes. Like many, when I first heard of this I thought it was pretty cool but when you actually use it, you realize how invaluable this feature is. If you're an actor, I'm sure you know how much it sucks going home after an audition not knowing how you did, if they liked you, what didn't they like, etc. With CAZT, not only do you get to see how you did and how you looked to the CDs, but you also get their actual feedback and the great thing is only you can see it.

Some of you are probably saying "But as an actor, you should be practicing and putting yourself on tape anyway." To which I say, yes that's true but we all know that auditioning is a completely different beast from being alone in the comfort of your living room with a Flip on a tripod. I only have a couple of auditions up but when I watched them back (especially one in particular), I was like "Good God! I was horrendous!!". But despite the pain that it caused me to watch it, I got to see how my energy, gestures and emotions translated and what I need to work on and I truly wish that all casting agencies had features like this.

Which brings me to the only negative I could think of which is, of course, the fee it costs to view your auditions. While it isn't much ($14.99/mo), as a "struggling" actor, you're very cautious as to where all your money goes and between rent, utilities, food, student loans, and other online casting sites, having one more thing to pay a month may cause you to wince a bit.

As helpful as the feature to watch your auditions is, you'll have to decide for yourself if it's worth the money because at the end of the day, that's the main feature you'll be paying for. Sure you also have the option to create a profile and submit to their online list of Los Angeles auditions, and sure, they'll email you directly when there's new roles to be auditioned for, but if you've heard of CAZT, then chances are you're signed up with LA Casting or Actor's Access and already receive most of their breakdowns and submit online through that. But if you don't mind the extra monthly overhead (and yes it gets cheaper if you pay quarterly/half a year) and you get a good amount of auditions through CAZT then I highly recommend you sign up!

I can't promise you'll be a better actor if you sign up, but I can say that it will provide enlightenment and a bit of perspective and light in an otherwise dark process. I definitely will be taking advantage of this feature to make myself better! Happy Auditioning!!

Advice From My Uncle Tom

Usually I'm not really that big on new years resolutions. The way I see it, why should I have to wait until the next fiscal year to make positive changes to my life. It's like what Thomas Jefferson said, "Never put off tomorrow what you can do today" and everyday I find myself trying more and more to apply this creed to my life. With that said, this year, I'm taking a completely different approach to my film career and I'm making it a point to being more proactive than reactive.

What do you mean, you may be wondering. Isn't that something you should have been doing anyway? Yes, however, as an actor, everything is a catch 22: it's hard to get an agent without a reel, you can't get a reel without being cast, and it's tougher to get cast without an agent/manager. So for someone like me with barely anything to make a decent reel and no representation, I'm pretty much swimming with sharks.

Of course, to improve your chances, there are only so many things you could do to be proactive. Among those things are taking classes, networking, attending workshops, doing shorts/indies, and pretty much doing any and everything you can to hone your craft and market yourself accordingly. But with all that said and done, at the end of the day, no matter how good or ready you are as an actor, your career is still ultimately in the hands of someone else to even get cast, which in turn puts in you a reactive position no matter how proactive you are.

So what do I mean about changing my approach? As much as I love performing, I love writing and directing. If any one of those three were to take off, I'd be completely satisfied and use it as a catapult and as foundation to gain success in the other two areas. Last year, I concentrated solely on the acting part and even though I had some pretty good experiences and resume builders, I was still left, as many actors are, in the state of, "Pick me! Please pick me!"

Which brings me to this year. I've decided to stop waiting to be cast, and instead take a page from the book of such writer/director/actors such as Adam Sandler and Kevin Smith and cast myself in my own projects. For the past three months, I've been in preproduction, preparing for a web series that I've been writing for the past couple years. It'll be a romantic comedy and it'll be based on my experiences in past relationships. Best way I could describe it is that it's like Sex and the City, but from the perspective of guys just getting ready to graduate college. I'm producing it, directing it, and I'll also be starring in it. The way I see it is, with technology these days, there is no excuse for aspiring filmmakers/actors to not make our own projects. Equipment these days are affordable and DSLR cameras are capable to produce some high quality footage. With the internet, it's never been easier to market and self distribute your product. As we stand, the script is ready, the equipment is just about set, the cast and crew is being finalized and the paperwork to make it SAG is pending. I'm currently scouting locations and working out the shooting schedule.

This series is only the beginning of me creating the foundation for many projects to come. This year will be about creating my opportunities, building my own reel, and shooting my own projects instead of sitting back hoping that someone will cast me. There are a number of film festivals that I have in mind to be a part of and so much more I have planned to accomplish by the time I'm 30. I've come so far and yet I have so far left to go. I know it will incredibly challenging and I'm looking forward to the journey just as much as I'm looking forward to the destination. I'm looking forward to creating doors where there aren't any.

I'll keep everyone updated in terms of the series and I'll probably be shooting a vlog and a number of behind the scene featurettes once I begin production.

Allow Me to Introduce Myself..

It definitely has been a while since the last time I posted something. But then again it seems that everytime I post something, I'm always prefixing it with that statement. Nonetheless, it has been a while since my last post. The reason being, I really feel that it's sort of a waste of time simply because who knows who (or if) anyone is really even reading this stuff. But lately, especially as the years go by and my years become more and more realized, I feel like I do have a lot to say but no one to talk to. I've even found myself laying in bed late at night thinking about these different things only to be kept up by this ongoing inner dialogue that I can't escape from. So I guess moreso than writing with the expectation that someone will read this, I've come to the conclusion that I need to start writing more for myself and for my own sanity.

With that said, I take this newfound perspective and, for the umpteenth time, I present another attempt to consistently blog. Will I prove to be successful this time around? Who knows. All I know is that the longer I'm in LA, the more I realize how lonely this career path I've chosen is and how easy it is to become detached from family and friends. You spend everyday, head to the ground, pounding the pavement, that by the time you look up again, there's no one around but you. It's no wonder why when people make it here they either become extremely grateful and/or crazy.

Last night I found myself thinking about how my 10th year high school reunion is this year and how far everyone in my class has come so far. Not just in status and accomplishments but moreso in our relationships. I thought about the people whom I was closest to coming out of high school and those who I'm closer to now and I was surprised to realize that, with the exception of a of a couple of people, those who I were closest to throughout high school, those whom I thought that would be a part of my life until the day I die, were barely even part of it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I love the friends I've made since leaving high school, even since leaving college, it's just that as I get older and I hear more and more people from high school getting married and having kids, I remember how I had this picture envisioned of how me and my closest friends from high school would sit around, old and fat, telling our children tales of how stupid we were growing up. I thought of the great times we had and wondered why we couldn't have that anymore? What was it about time and distance that made people, who were once inseparable, act like strangers?

I found myself thinking that if I were to die today, would people actually know me? And then my inner self recanted with a stern "What the fuck are you thinking about?! How depressing are you?!" But I do realize that when it comes those who I've known the longest, in some cases, our last moments together weren't exactly graceful, for the lack of a better word. Which brings me back to this blog. Along with needing another medium to vent, I do think it would be good to express who I am. Who I am to my friends of recent and who I've become for my friends of old.

So hello. My name is Conrad. Nice to meet you.


..let's just hope that I could stay consistent this time around..

Hollywood Confessions Part 8: The Dent of Hope

Let's be real, there was no way for me to possibly pay $1200 a month in rent (NOT including any of the utilities) AND my student loans with what I was taking home. My position at E! was an entry level position and I was being paid beans. If I had no loans then at least I would've been breaking even despite living paycheck to paycheck.

When my roommate left, I moved my stuff into the room and had initially planned to put an ad out in craigslist for someone to take the nook. However, after a couple of days of living by myself I began to change my mind. I loved it. It was so peaceful to come home and have a place to call my own.

Around the same time, coincidentally, a girl I knew through some friends at UW had contacted me via facebook to tell me that she was moving into LA in a couple of months because she had been accepted into a law school nearby. In a round about way she kinda joked and asked me if I needed a roommate to where I replied, "You know, actually, I do." That's when I decided that I'd just stick it out at my apartment and just pay the full rent for the two months until I moved out. I called my landlord in an attempt to negotiate and bring down the price but was only able to bring it down to $1100. Better than nothing I guess. Good thing was I was on a month to month lease and all I needed to do was give my landlord one month's notice and I was fine.

So those following two months I penny pinched like a mofo and looked everywhere in my neighborhood for a two bedroom apartment to move into. Since I would still have to ride my bike to work, I made sure that I limited my search to within a one mile radius from my office building. I also set the budget to around $1800 since splitting that with a roommate is manageable and worlds of a difference from paying $1200 by myself. On a side note, it was odd to find so many apartments in the Hollywood area where having a refrigerator was NOT included and more of a luxury.

After about a month of searching, I found a winner. It was a 2 bedroom/ 2.5 bathroom condo about a mile away from work that was going for $1600. It almost sounded too good to be true so I had to go check it out. It was just as advertised. It was nice, spacious, had all the major kitchen appliances, up stairs was carpeted and downstairs had all new hardwood floors. But what sold me right away and made me take it on the spot was that the unit included a washer dryer! TI knew that that amenity, in this part of LA no less, was so hard to find so there was no question on whether or not to take the apartment. To top it all off, since we'd be renting it directly from the owners, it was part of the Home Owners Association so cable, water, trash and sewage was all included and the only utility we had to pay for was gas and electric.

To our joy, we got the apartment and was moved in by the last week of June.

My first night sleeping there was crazy. I laid on my mattress on the floor of my unfurnished room and stared at a dent in the ceiling. I thought about the many things that used to stare at during my year and a half in LA right before I'd doze off. From the ceiling in both my Aunt's places, the wall in the Shady House, to the stars when I slept in my car, or the black dot on the curtain from where I laid in my nook. There are a lot of visuals that had become a representation of anxiety . But this dent was something different. This dent represented hope and for the first time in a long time, I can remember myself smiling before falling asleep.

It took me about a week to unpack the seven boxes I had been lugging around all this time and for the most part I had completely forgotten what I had even packed in those things. This would officially be the first time that I'd be cutting open the tape which had been sealing those boxes shut these past two years.

As I sorted through the boxes, it didn't cease to amaze me at how surreal it was. It's one thing to reminisce about or even to have someone tell you how much you've changed over a year or two, but the contents of those boxes were a tangible representation of who I was and what I cared about two years ago when I first moved down and to see what I had cared enough to save all this time was crazy to me. These boxes were time capsules and what made it surreal was that I almost didn't recognize the person who had packed all of this stuff. He was a stranger now and by the time I had consolidated everything I realized that I had gone from seven to two boxes. Call it what you want, maturity, I don't know, but there were a lot of things in those boxes that I didn't need or didn't find important anymore and looking through it just strengthened my yearning for the future and what it holds. This box represented my past and that dent represented my future, a future that I couldn't wait to get started. I don't think I completely changed. If you talk to me, you'll see that to my core, I'm still the same jokester that I've always been (maybe even moreso) but my priorities definitely have changed.

And that's where things are now. Two years after moving to LA, I finally have a stable living situation and a stable work situation. Even though I've been here a while, I feel that it's only now that I could concentrate on what I moved down here for. It's the first time I don't have to worry about where I'm gonna sleep and what I'm going to eat. It's just me and my dream. What is that you ask? Filmmaking. For the few that I've spoken to this about, and to those in wonderment, I hope to be the John Singleton (director of Boyz 'N the Hood, Higher Learning, Poetic Justice) for Pacific Islanders. I want to pave the way for Islanders and make it commonplace to see noncommercial, non-stereotypical stories being told in mainstream Hollywood films. As far as the acting thing, I enjoy that just as much as making films and I'm pushing that 100% as well. It's just a matter of time to which one takes off first because there's no way I'm giving up after what I've been through. It's definitely a hustle but I enjoy every second of it. Work at night, write/audition/go to meetings during the day but I know it will all be worth it, especially for my family. I look forward to the day that I could call my mom and tell her that she doesn't have to work anymore. I feel I've been through the worst and I've gotten through what would make most aspiring actors/filmmakers quit and go home and I'm fine. It's all just a matter of time.

So LET'S GO, 2010!! It's not about if, it's about WHEN!!

PS - Thanks to everyone who've supported me and helped me keep my sanity through these hard times. I love you all and I hope to make you proud someday.

Hollywood Confessions Part 7: So Close Yet So Far

Relative to what I had been going through thus far in good ole LA, the burden I had been on people with sleeping on their couches, the instability of sleeping in my car and wondering if and when I'd be able to eat again, this new place was a Godsend. Sure it still wasn't an ideal situation, but it was the first time I had a place that I could call my own. It was the first time I could walk through that front door, lay my head on my pillow and not worry about anything. I had been in LA for about 13 months and this was going to be my 7th place of "residency", counting my wonderful "four star hotel".

The place wasn't too shabby. It was a little old fashioned, dark hardwood floors, which growing up in Hawai'i, it wasn't something I was used to. It looked like it was probably built in the 40's, maybe the 50's, and definitely smelled like it. The parking situation was terrible, although, I was lucky since I worked graveyard and the street was relatively clear by the time I got home. As "stable" as things were starting to be, I still didn't unpack any of my boxes and continued to live out of my suitcase to prevent myself from "settling" into that situation.

The girl I moved in with was cool. She was an aspiring actress in her early 30s and alternated between two part time day jobs. In terms of our schedule, things worked out pretty well. Since I worked graveyard, by the time I came home, she was getting ready to leave for work and after a while, it almost felt that I had the place to myself. If we were every home at the same time, she stayed in her room and I still pretty much had the whole place to myself, living room and kitchen included.

Despite schedule convenience, sleep was definitely still a tough thing to get accomplished. I'm one of those guys that needs pitch darkness to fall asleep and needless to say, having the sunlight seep into the living room and invade the confines of my nook contributed in no way to the cause. Add to the fact that I'm a light sleeper and my roommate wasn't exactly the quietest person in the world, ie. she was one of those people who yelled into the phone when she spoke and walked heavily, I definitely was not a happy, or sleeping, camper.

My lack of sleep was slowly catching up to me as I was still trying to juggle two full time jobs, one at Gamestop and one at E! Entertainment. It started to take its toll as I began attempts to squeeze in small half hour naps in between my shifts. I remember started to get headaches and my eyes began twitching a lot. I began to show up late to Gamestop and even had a couple instances where I was scheduled to open the store alone, only to show up half an hour late with customers already waiting at the front door. The main store manager was cool but after the third or fourth time, he was feeling pressure from his higher ups and warned me that I should put in my two weeks notice before the District Manager made it official to fire me. So that's what I did so as not to have it on my record that I was fired from a job.

So now I was down to only one full time job and as much I hated to leave Gamestop, I felt much relief and hope in the anticipation of getting more time to sleep. It was sad to me because as sad as it sounds, Gamestop was there for me during such a hard time of my life. It was like my safe haven amongst a tough job market. It gave me a chance when no other job would and more importantly it came at a time when I needed the most help. The people I met there provided me with the sanity I needed with all the instability I was facing. It was hand that fed me when I was starving and I was sad to see it go. But, I knew it was time to move on and embrace working at E!.

So my new weekday schedule pretty much went like this: work from 11pm-8am, get home around 8:15am, my roommate left for work around 9am, I'd fall asleep around 12:30-1pm, and my roommate would come home around 4pm, waking me up to where I'd toss and turn until it was time leave for work around 10:30pm. So yeah, definitely there wasn't much sleep going on despite having only one job.

About a couple months into the move, my good ole car poked its head back into the forefront as if refusing to be ignored. Due to its incredible cost, I still wasn't able to switch out the aftermarket racing parts in the engine which would've allow me to register my car and thus, the tags on my car inevitably expired. I tried as much as I could to drive as little as I could and when I did, my eyes were constantly on the rear view mirror.

One Saturday morning, I awoke as I always did, got ready as I always have, brushed my teeth as I had done many times before and headed out the door. As I neared the spot on the street where I had parallel parked my car, my heart sank as I realized that in its place was a car that I didn't recognize. Instantly, I knew that what was going on and that my car had been towed. Just to make sure I called the police to report a "stolen car". They confirmed it being impounded and gave me the information to recover it. I headed over to the towing office and was informed that to re-register the car, along with all the towing and holding fees, it would cost me over $3000 just to get the car back. That $3000 doesn't count the amount it would cost to change out the engine parts which the grand total for everything would amount to nearly $10,000!

Screw that!

Thanks, but no thanks. And as much as my car was there for me when I most needed a place to stay, it was definitely more of a burden than a blessing and it was time to finally say goodbye to it. I bought the damn thing for $1100 and with the amount of money I was putting into it, I might as well have gotten and brand new car. Plus, since I wasn't working at Gamestop anymore, I didn't have drive the 40minutes to get there and with E! a couple of blocks away, the need for a car was minimal.

So I decided to surrender my car and with the help of my friend Joe, I emptied it out and said goodbye. A couple of days later, I bought myself a bike and got familiar with the public transportation system, which is actually pretty reliable if you stay within the greater LA area.

So from then on, I rode my bike to and from work and used the bus/subway to get to auditions and meetings. Slowly but surely, I was finally able to eat good and had the leeway to start saving money to consistently keep up with my student loans. Unfortunately, since I had no car, I was unable to meet up with friends without depending on someone for a ride. But I didn't mind, it was either pay now and play later or play now and pay later.

With the turn of the new year, things were looking better in terms of money. I still was getting payed shit, but having to pay $500 out of $1200 rent a month definitely had its perks. I was still living paycheck to paycheck and barely getting by, however, it was a world of difference from my time in the Shady House. Since that time, I had gotten used to living frugally and budgeting every penny I spent but at least now I was doing it with a steady income and was able to actually take care of my bills before being broke as a joke as opposed to having no income with my bills piling up and being broke as a joke. My body was getting used to 3-4 hours of sleep so that was becoming less of a problem and I calculated that within several more months of "saving", I'd have taken care a lot of my outstanding debt and would be able to save enough money to get my own place and manage all my bills relatively comfortably albeit still living paycheck to paycheck.

As March rolled around, I guess I may have been getting a bit too "content" in my situation, because life, with all her quirkiness, decided to send me yet another curve-ball. As I sat on my couch, watching a movie on my netflix, my roommate came into the living room and threw a wrench in my whole plan to save money.

"I'm moving into a new place next week," she told me.

And with that one sentence, I envisioned the little money that I had saved up until that point go down the drain as I would now be forced to somehow take on the task of paying $1200 rent along with my already dampering bills.


Part 8: Dent of Hope